InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "That’s a really old movie!"

meghan jones (dreamgoddess) wrote,
@ 2012-02-20 22:32:00

009: Tuesday, February 21, 2011: 11AM EST
[private: readable by siblings and close friends… blocked from Seth]

Seth is in love with me… that's what he's saying anyway. To be perfectly honest, I don't know that I believe him. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. He's had… over a year to tell me how he felt. He waited until I was in a relationship with someone else. Maybe I'm just being cynical, but… that seems like… I don't know… it seems like he's just trying to mark his territory. ~~I know that's what he was doing in the beginning.~~ He got mad at me for saying that. I told him that I wasn't wholly convinced that this wasn't just some power play, and he tried to leave. I stopped him, but he wouldn't listen to me when I told him that I was just trying to tell him how I felt. He said that I had insulted him. I had to follow him out into the hall in order to get him to talk to me.

I… don't know. ~~I just know that I'm terrified.~~ I've had a great support system. That's the only way I've gotten through this. Seth has been a part of that support system, but he says that things are going to change if I stay with Josh. He says that he's not going to be there for me anymore… that he'll always be there for Kandy, but he won't be there for me. I… dunno. I just… I can't do this alone.

I asked him to promise that we would get through this. He refused at first. He told me that he wasn't promising anything and that I'd 'insulted him to his fucking face'. He said something about how he'd stopped fucking other women months ago.

~~Fuck.~~ I don't know. I just know that… he's acting like he won't even come over here… like he's going to start picking Kandy up in order to visit with her.

We've always been just friends. Always. It's never been more than that. Suddenly, though, he's in love with me, and our lifelong friendship means nothing. He's just going to throw it away unless I agree to be with him.

And Josh… the man is perfect… like… perfect. He's been so supportive. I told him what was going on, and he's been right by my side… figuratively, of course, as he can't even be in the same room as Kandy. That's what started this whole argument. I wanted Seth to meet Josh so that Josh could meet Kandy. Seth refused. He said that Kandy can never meet Josh. Ever. Like… what the hell? What am I supposed to do? I'm serious about Josh. This isn't just a fling. We aren't just having fun. This is serious. I have feelings for him… real feelings. We're planning things… future things… vacations and birthdays and such. Not that it matters, as it stands, he won't be able to come to my birthday party this year because he can't be around my daughter.

Seth is important to me. He is. He's one of the most important people in my life. I'm just… I'm not in love with him. To be perfectly honest, I don't think he's in love with me. he says he is, but I don't think that's true. If he loved me, he wouldn't be so quick to give me an ultimatum. If he loved me, he wouldn't try to force me to choose. If he loved me, he would want me to be happy… and Josh makes me happy.

I've spent the last two days crying.

He says he's going to be here for dinner. He hugged me before he left. He even said that we would get through this, but he said a lot of other things, too. He referenced things that shouldn't have been referenced and… I don't know. I'm so fucking confused ~~and terrified~~. I don't know what to think. I just know that I want better for Kandy. I don't want her to have a father that only picks her up on the weekends. I want her to have a father that's around whenever she needs him. I know Seth will be around, but… he acts like he's just going to pick her up to see her unless I agree to be with him.

(Post a new comment)

	Meghan jinnee 2012-02-21 06:27 am UTC (link)
	What a fucking dick. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Trick dreamgoddess 2012-02-21 12:05 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah. Pretty much. I don't know. He says he loves me, but... his actions speak louder than his words. He's been here for me. I can't deny that. Threatening to take that away if I don't want to really be with him? That's not love. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Meghan

jinnee
2012-02-21 01:58 pm UTC (link)

It's not. I dunno. Maybe he thinks he loves you, but he's acting like a spoiled child who isn't getting his way. And refusing to let Josh meet Kandy is a dick move. ~~I don't like it either, but~~ You're going to be fine. Kandy's going to be fine. Even if Seth doesn't pull his head out of his ass and stop punishing his daughter because you're not giving him what he wants, we're all here for you.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Trick dreamgoddess 2012-02-22 04:09 pm UTC (link)
	Thanks, Trick. That really means a lot to me. How are you? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan jinnee 2012-02-22 05:50 pm UTC (link)
	Anytime, sweetheart. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do. I'm.. Meghanless. It kind of sucks, actually. New York is suddenly boring without a certain brunette around to liven things up. ;) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Trick dreamgoddess 2012-02-23 07:18 pm UTC (link)
	You flatter me, Patrick McMillan. You cannot convince me that any city you live in is boring. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan jinnee 2012-02-26 08:17 pm UTC (link)
	It can't be flattery if it's true. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Trick dreamgoddess 2012-02-27 03:03 am UTC (link)
	I miss you, too. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Meghan allthingsnice 2012-02-21 06:28 am UTC (link)
	I'm going to kick his fucking ass. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Claudia dreamgoddess 2012-02-21 12:06 pm UTC (link)
	I'm not entirely sure that will help. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan allthingsnice 2012-02-21 01:55 pm UTC (link)
	Sure it will. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Meghan allthingsnice 2012-02-21 01:59 pm UTC (link)
	And Josh is meeting Kandy, whether Seth likes it or not. He can go fuck himself if he thinks I'm letting him push my baby sister around like this. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Claudia dreamgoddess 2012-02-22 04:10 pm UTC (link)
	I told him that I wouldn't go against his wishes. I told him that we could talk about it later. He said his answer was always going to be no. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan allthingsnice 2012-02-22 05:49 pm UTC (link)
	Fuck his wished. I made no such promise. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Claudia dreamgoddess 2012-02-23 07:19 pm UTC (link)
	And you're sure that's the best course of action? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Meghan

allthingsnice
2012-02-26 08:15 pm UTC (link)

You and Josh are together. He needs to accept that. You're watching Josh's little brother. Who SETH has met. Seth is not in control of your life. Seth does not get final say in who Kandy does or doesn't meet. I'm not going to let him bully you like this. It's time Josh met your daughter. If Seth is going to show his ass about you introducing them, then I'll fucking do it myself.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Claudia dreamgoddess 2012-02-27 03:02 am UTC (link)
	Thank you, big sister. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan allthingsnice 2012-02-27 03:04 am UTC (link)
	Anytime, baby sister. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Meghan jackfelldown 2012-02-21 06:30 am UTC (link)
	Bullshit. If you want your boyfriend to go to your birthday party, he's going to your damn birthday party. Kandy is your daughter, too, little sister. Don't let Seth push you around just because he feels like being a dick about this. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Josh dreamgoddess 2012-02-21 12:08 pm UTC (link)
	I told him that I was going to let Josh meet Kandy whether he approved or not. That's kind what started this whole thing. That's why he told me that he loved me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan jackfelldown 2012-02-21 01:52 pm UTC (link)
	If he loved you, he would want what's best for you. He certainly wouldn't be trying to make things more difficult for you by telling you you're not allowed to introduce your boyfriend to your daughter. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Josh dreamgoddess 2012-02-22 04:11 pm UTC (link)
	That's what I keep thinking. Apparently, I'm a horrible person for thinking that, though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan jackfelldown 2012-02-22 05:48 pm UTC (link)
	Sounds like he's just trying to guilt you, little sister. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Josh dreamgoddess 2012-02-23 07:19 pm UTC (link)
	You think so? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan jackfelldown 2012-02-26 08:12 pm UTC (link)
	I think so. (Reply to this) (Parent)

Posted Before Lunch

jrpushing
2012-02-21 09:32 am UTC (link)

Not perfect.

Just saying

Meghan

First of all, you aren't doing this alone. You won't be doing this alone. You haven't been doing this alone for months. Meghan, I'm here. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to fight for you every step of the way. And I'm going to be there for you no matter what happens here.

Second, if he's going to throw away your friendship he wasn't your friend to begin with. I respect the man. He's important to you. He's there for his kid. He's been there for you. He didn't bail. He legitimately cares. About both of you. Saying he's in love with you like he did was a pretty piss poor way of showing someone you love them. And saying you have to choose is just... It's not right. I imagine he's hurting. I'm sure he's worried about how we will effect his relationship with his daughter, but baby I don't want to replace him, I never could. She needs her daddy, and that's not me. I'd ~~love~~ care for her and you. I told you I already loved that girl because she brought you to me, but I'm never ever EVER going to be her father, and he deserves to be, and will be, the number one man in her life. He's just pounding his chest right now.

I am really angry that he told you you insulted him like that. He shouldn't be talking to you like that. He shouldn't be making you feel bad. You don't need his promises to be there for you if THIS is what you're going to get if he's around, babe. You don't need him to get through this. It's going to be ok. I'm really upset that you've been crying. I don't ever want you to hurt for any reason. It hurts me that he's hurt you. No one's going to hurt my Meghan. Period. I'm going to let you handle it, but if this doesn't stop, Meghan I'm not just going to sit here and let him hurt you like this. Not a chance. If you need to me to talk to him, I will. And you shouldn't have to comfort him after he treats you this way. That's not right. I'm curious about what these unmentionables he brought up to you are as well. Because if he's saying something he shouldn't he definitely needs someone to tell him to stop. And I know you can. And you will. What happened to that baseball bat you were telling me about?

Sounds like your if he loved me and you don't love him needs to be told to him. Don't even bring me up. This is about you and him. But if he keeps hurting you... I'm only going to be able to dry your tears for so long before I'm going to end up stepping in. I'm just saying... I care about you. Deeply. Truly. And this? No one hurts my Meghan. No one is taking her from me. And I'm not giving up. Neither are you.

Finally, She has feelings for me? Real feelings for me? Oh my God. She wants me, too. Even after what she said last night... That horrible thing... That REAL insult to MY fucking face, that had me in tears. She has feelings for me. *insert heart soaring* Why didn't she TELL me? Why didn't she say it TO ME?! She knows I listen when she talks. We do have plans. Great plans. March. My birthday. All the days in between. I'm looking forward to that every day. I look forward to seeing you, hearing from you, being with you. You are the most important thing in my life second only to Jon. Every day I am grateful that you're part of it. And there is no way he's keeping me from your birthday in SEPTEMBER! That birthstones bracelet I gave you ~~Kandy is totally Team Joghan~~? Of your birthday and Kandy's ~~and mine~~? There's no way I'm missing those days. You put that out of your mind right now. My feelings run deep ~~why didn't you tell me? Does this mean you aren't thinking we wouldn't be us if this had happened three months ago and he was worth a shot?~~ and I'm not letting you slip away from me.

I care about you Meghan, every part of you. More than you know. And to hear you care, too? There are no words. Meghan... I care so much. I really do. And after everything we've been through and shared the last month, with Jon, with everything, this private, very intimate, little world we've created? No one can touch that. No one can see and understand because it's us. Just us. I could never go back to how my life used to be. And I can't imagine a tomorrow without you in it.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

Josh

dreamgoddess
2012-02-21 12:20 pm UTC (link)

In all honesty, I've never dne this alone. What did I tell you when we first me? I have a great support system. Seth has been a part of that support system, but he hasn't been the whole thing. And you're right. You are now apart of that support system... just like I am a part of yours.

I tried to tell him that he would never be replaced. I don't know. Last night, he said he was scared. This morning, he didn't act like that was the case. There are so many mixed signals that I don't know what to think. I don't want to hurt him. I don't. I just... I didn't lie to you when I told you that Seth and I were just friends. There might have been a time where it could've developed into more, but I met this really great guy, and I'm not willing to give him up to test some theory. Seth might love me, but... I don't know. I'm rambling. Q

You talking to him would probably be the worst possible thing that could happen right now. I know you want to protect me, but this is a battle I have to fight on my own. And the unmentionables are just that... unmentionable. They're personal things that shouldn't be brought into an argument... things about our past... physical things, if you catch my meaning... personal things.

You said that I shouldn't have told him that I didn't need his permission to introduce you to my daughter. I told him this morning that I wouldn't go against his wishes... that we could revisit the ides later, but... he's never going to agree he said that his answer will always be no. ALWAYS. I'm trying to do the right thing, but he's not helping... he's not compromising.

Of course I care. I know I'm not very vocal, but I do care.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Meghan

jrpushing
2012-02-21 03:01 pm UTC (link)

You aren't alone. A lot of people care about you. Don't forget.

Babe you are fine. Ramble all you like. Get it out, I'm here to listen and be whatever you need. I trust you implicitly I never have had a reason to doubt you and I don't now. Just take a deep breath. It will be all right.

I didn't mean to pry, I just meant I don't like him being disrespectful. Or bringing up unfair fighting tactics to guilt you. I trust you to handle this. I know you can. You are so strong Meghan, stronger than you know. You got this. Just trust you. And I am not saying I am going to step in. I know that would be disastrous. But I want you to know that if you need to bring the muscle I can bring out the evil god for you. ;). I don't like him making you feel bad and if you need me, I am here. I am not just going to sit here and let him hurt you. I will fight for you, in every way I can.

I said that it wasn't nice because I imagined you were all indignant about it. If he is going to be like this and dig his heels in, you are going to have to stand up to him at some point. I am here for you, so are countless others. You are well loved Meghan. You don't have to put up with his crap or let him bully you. She is your daughter too and you get a say, it's not all about him. And like I said, you just gotta be respectful. And I can wait. I'm not going anywhere. We are making plans for a future and I plan on sticking it out. No one I going to scare me off. Not even worried Meghan.

I know you care. I know you're not vocal. You don't have to be. You show you care. You know how I like for you to tell me things, but you don't have to. I get it and I appreciate it, and you. I see more than you realize I think. But your actions show me you care for me like no one else ever has in my life. I would trust no one else with Jon. And you know what that means. Just made me happy to hear you say it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Josh dreamgoddess 2012-02-22 04:17 pm UTC (link)
	This just... sucks, you know? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan jrpushing 2012-02-23 03:39 am UTC (link)
	Indeed. I'm here for you though. Whatever I can do. Sure other people are, too. What do you want for lunch babe? We can sit and eat together and cuddle. It's going to be ok. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Josh dreamgoddess 2012-02-23 07:21 pm UTC (link)
	You. I just want you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan jrpushing 2012-02-24 01:34 am UTC (link)
	I'm yours. Will be there soon. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Meghan lackingsense 2012-02-22 03:22 am UTC (link)
	What. An. Asshole. He apparently doesn't realize he CANNOT tell you who you can introduce to YOUR daughter. Put your foot down! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Angela dreamgoddess 2012-02-22 04:18 pm UTC (link)
	That's what Claudia is saying. I was wondering if she was just overreacting. You think I should put my foot down, too? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan lackingsense 2012-02-22 07:34 pm UTC (link)
	I think you should. But you can't just do what he wants because he threatens to change things. If he changes things, that will be on him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Angela dreamgoddess 2012-02-23 07:24 pm UTC (link)
	I just don't want Kandy to be the one that's punished, you know? She needs her daddy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan lackingsense 2012-02-29 03:30 am UTC (link)
	She does. Definitely does. But it can't be at the expense of your happiness, Meghan. And I'm sure he'd still see her plenty. It's not like you wouldn't let him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Angela dreamgoddess 2012-03-01 10:29 pm UTC (link)
	I would never keep him from seeing her. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan lackingsense 2012-03-06 06:56 am UTC (link)
	I know you wouldn't. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Angela dreamgoddess 2012-03-08 10:17 pm UTC (link)
	I guess I'm just worried about losing his friendship. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Meghan lackingsense 2012-03-09 03:47 am UTC (link)
	I'm sure he doesn't want to lose your friendship, either. But he can't bully you about Josh either. Or I'm going to convince Claudia to take care of him! I'm just saying! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Angela dreamgoddess 2012-03-10 12:17 am UTC (link)
	It wouldn't take much convincing. (Reply to this) (Parent)